Unexpected Outcome

Warning: DV/SA

Well, well, well…

I am still processing the parole hearing which was one week ago.

I’ve had a roller coaster of a weekend and I still haven’t had the opportunity to sit with my feelings of last Friday.

He was denied parole for 6 months.

Denied.

A cocky, white male, ex-lawyer was denied parole. WHAT?!

I remember the precise moment he was denied. I looked to the support staff, my boyfriend, and my friend. Did I hear this right?! I went into the hearing with the expectation that he would be released on parole. I assumed there would be no other outcome.

At first, while listening to the back and forth between the parole board and him, I thought he was getting freedom. I would roll my eyes or shake my head at his asinine responses. I assumed they were buying what he was saying. His answers were by the book. I prepared myself to be angry that they weren’t seeing through his garbage responses and attempts at manipulation. I took notes the entire time. At one point, I wrote “this is a game” and showed it to the people there with me opposing his parole. He clearly thought this was a game he had no chance of losing.

He was wrong.

The board asked him several questions that he couldn’t answer:

He had to take a domestic violence course. What did he learn?

If you Googled “anger management in relationships” you’d find his answers. When he was challenged again with what he actually learned, he had no official answer.

When he was asked about restitution he blamed my protection order as his hinderance. However, the other victim in attendance was there because the Inmate stole $20k from him; he was not contacted a single time about repayment and definitely didn’t have a protection order against him.

He was then asked if he spent the time during his crimes manipulating people and that was the only sword he felt comfortable falling on. He is an impeccable manipulator, so it was the perfect opportunity for a “humble brag” to be spun into “ownership” of his crime.

Yes, of course he manipulated everyone around him during the times of his crimes.

“Then what is stopping us from thinking you’re manipulating the whole room today?”

Boom.

*mic drop*

The chair of the parole board, based on the answers above, motioned to deny parole for 6 months. It was a fast and unanimous “yes”

Circle back to my shock. I couldn’t believe it.

I took a deep sigh. We got up and walked out, following the advocates. We chatted, asked next steps, congratulated each other, and then left to go get some celebratory snacks.

I teared up in the car with a feeling of relief. I shouldn’t have tried to stop the tears. My boyfriend and I ripped the entire hearing apart. All of the things he could and should have done differently if he wanted to be released on parole. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful he went into the hearing thinking he had it in the bag, but man it felt good to blow him and his stupid answers up.

He brought a photo of himself getting an employee of the quarter award and held it up to the board. You’re required to have a job to even be eligible for parole release. He knew that, right? Their unamused expressions tickled my fancy. I’ve laughed at that image every single day since the hearing.

Not once did he take responsibility for his actions.

He never said he was sorry.

He never talked about what he intended to do outside of prison to continue down a positive mental health path.

He hadn’t done anything for his mental health. Not one thing. No classes, no courses, and no therapist…nothing. I should be surprised, but I’m not. He tried to blackmail his probation-approved therapist into having his baby when he was dating me, so therapy is unlikely to have any affect on him. (I didn’t know that while we were dating, though I had suspicions.)

He had no real answers for how he intended to refrain from violence toward women other than he’s done “deep introspective work” over the last three years in prison..

He’s intelligent, so if this isn’t a clear indication how egotistical and narcissistic he is, then I don’t know what is. This was a cut and dry example of narcissism. He went into the room thinking he was going to be able to manipulate his way to freedom even though the board warned him that they don’t fall for that shit.

And they didn’t.

They owned him. Hard.

He didn’t see it coming.

I didn’t see it coming.

I was elated. I had my entire day planned out with the assumption he would be paroled. I was going to put on Jennifer Lopez’s Enough, a movie that I played every day for three months after he was originally arrested. I planned for long cuddles and lots of sad tears.

However, I spent the rest of the day telling my close friends stories of how he dug his own grave in that room. I cuddled with my boyfriend, feeling solace and peace for the first time in a long time. I felt seen, heard, validated, and safe.

While I wait for the next hearing to come up, I hope I can process the emotional weight of the last 3.5 years. I want to savor the relief before I go back into anxiety revolving around the next hearing and the content of letter number two. He’s going to come out swinging and I will need to do everything I can to up my game and fight for him to stay where he is - prison. For the time being, when the anxiety of the next hearing pops up, I breathe through it and remind myself that I have time. I have 6 months. For now, let’s savor the relief. I worked hard to help the board see he’s a fraud and they believed my words.

I should be proud of myself.

I am proud of myself.

Fuck you, Inmate.